My Christmas Wish

I think it is the time of year...

a time when you become nostalgic, you feel warm and fuzzy, and a time when you realize life is simply not long enough.

Three years ago I lost a good friend. She was a beautiful, perfect person who I can only imagine is the most perfect angel ever. The day before Thanksgiving a local young man died, his heart had become enlarged and simply burst. I currently have an Aunt (through marriage) who is lying in a hospital bed, connected to machines, barely hanging on.

We never know, when it will be our turn to go. I used to fear death. I was raised in a house that strongly believed in God and life after death, but I was afriad to die...unless I died in a blaze of glory, I didn't want to die. Now that I am older (not wiser) I realize that I was simply afraid of dying and not being remembered. Crazy thing for a kid to worry about, but I'm crazy like that.

Although I do not want to die until I am old and grey, until my childrens, children have had their children. I no longer worry what the world will know of me, or not know. I have found by others infinte example that it is the little things. Those are the things that make people remember you, the things you don't even know you are doing.

Walked into a bakery today that my father-in-law went to almost daily, there in the case were his favorite raisen filled cookies. I couldn't help but smile. I think of the way Desi always made me laugh, and how she just made me want to be a better person. The fact that Aunt Delila would take the time to send me a little note via Facebook, or comment on my garden and share tips on how I could improve. These little things are hardly even things. I am betting that most people don't even know the impact these little things. However, they are being remembered right now, right here, and every day of my life with simple reminders.

It's almost Christmas, a time we all remember the events behind us. It is a time of beginning and ends. A time to hold our loved ones close. My wish for all that I know and love is to remember the
little things. To stop and smell the roses, to hold hands with those you love. Watch your childrens faces, they change daily. To slow life down a little, sit on your deck longer, stare at the sky longer, kiss just a little longer. We are all going to die. I hope that all who read this live longer than hoped for, but no matter what we all die. It could be tomorrow, and if tomorrow never comes make sure the ones that count will have those little things to cling to.

Death is the next adventure - but first make this life count.

Its Snowing

I haven't blogged in almost 6 months. Good thing I only have 6 followers. Surely the six of you can find more entertaining things to do. I just read my last blog post, and as I dry my eyes realize why I haven't been back here in 6 months.


We moved...yes again. Three times in the last year to be exact. Two days after my last blog post we moved into a tiny fixer upper in Ririe, ID. One step closer, four miles closer, and hopefully one last move to one of my biggest personal goals ever. The new digs are working out...it was as I stated a fixer upper and with our landlords permission, persuasion, and financial aid we have seriously gutted and renovated this place into a cute country bungalow that will be for sale when we leave.

It is a tiny, but comfortable house, 925 sq. ft. to be exact. With the fact that we replaced all carpet, laid laminate flooring, retextured the walls, built a door for the bathroom, remodeled the closets, painted the entire interior, and put a new metal roof on the house. It has a large amount of charm, style, and it is liveable. I finally have an office space, hence the fact that I can actully sit and type this now. I set my desk up facing a window into our adorable backyard (one area that we actually didn't have to do anything). And as I sat here wondering what to write I caught myself staring out the window watching as perfect little snowflakes drift slowly to the ground.

As I looked out the window, I felt pure bliss. I love snow. It conjures up many warm and fuzzy childhood memories. Where I grew up we always had an abundance of snow. It is so clean, pure, and it fills the world with a sense of beauty, even magic. Of course I will be cussing and cursing this same wonderful snow in February when I am sick of shoveling, bundeling, defrosting, and freezing. But right now it is beautiful, peaceful, and magical.

As is life. We have had avalanches of snowy beauty in our lives in the last six months. Nothing that is extreme, or worth shouting from the roof tops, but quite wonderful and perfect in our own little world of Thorp.  Every day, week, and month we trudge closer and closer to our goal of building our dream house. Of living on the very land that we have cried, sweat, and bled for in the last twelve years. It is finaly 100% paid for and ours. It looks like we will be on track to start building in 2015. We have our house plans, and we are starting to get all the numbers put together. We couldn't be more excited for this next chapter.

I am scared to death, is actually more honest. I cannot believe that we are finally at the edge of this mountain and it is not just downhill, but we actually have to take that leap of faith and hope we land on solid ground. We have been home owners before, but the fact that I might actually get the cabin I have dreamed of since I was a little girl. The fact that Don will have his lodge to retreat into everynight. That we can build this with our own four hands, and that we can give our girls a sanctuary with all they ever wanted. It is like a fairytale. A fairytale that we get to write and pick the ending to every night.

I am so excited, can hardly wait.

So keep on snowing, keep that snowball rolling and we will jump. Can't wait to build that dream.

Losing My Best Friend

I have many friends. Many good friends, and several bestfriends. I know one of life's greatest cliches is that you are to only have one "best friend". I could never pick just one person to be my "best" and those of you reading this I hope understand that I love you with all my heart and would even give my life for you if neccessary because that is the kind of person and friend I am. But my BEST FRIEND is not human. Never would have been. You see I like animals way more than I like people. I have always had an inner pull to the animal kingdom, and as my life proves I have lived among the beasts.

Since I was a child I longed for one of my very own "Man's Best Friends" I have had, and will have several k-9 companions in my life. Several of them have been dear to my heart and made quick impressions that last a lifetime. However, only one has been my best friend, my soul mate. He came to me 11 years 6 months ago and has been by my side ever since.

"Gunner D. Bear Thorp" born December 10 2002 he was the pick of the litter, the fattest little chunk. When he looked up at me I knew it immediatly he was perfect, my soul mate. Since then he has been by my side everyday. He has gone to work with me a thousand times, he has climbed moutains with me, swam in the Atlantic Ocean and the Caribbean Ocean with me, and then every little creek, pond, river, and lake in between. We have traveled far and wide, and seen many great things. He learned to ride the 4wheeler, he was the best duck dog a gal could have, and he has raised my children with pride.

He is dying. In my profession I know the inevitable, there is a limit to what can be done, and I have seen unreasonable suffereing. I made a vow to never cross that line, and as we speak I am toeing over it. Gunner's life has left his eyes, he is clinging by threads simply for the beneift of me. He knows what I feel, and that I simply don't want to let go. I won't know how to wake to a bare floor by my bed. I can not bear to see him suffer any longer, and I have made the call. Tomorrow we say goodbye.

Goodbye to a lifetime of memeories and adventures that no one could have asked for better. I have lived in the shadow of animal kingdom royalty. One who looks at me as his Queen. I have had an amazing companion on many walks, rides, and swims. He has taught me how to love unconditionaly and the patience to enjoy the peace of a decent deck, the calm of a gurgling brook, and the excitment of geese in the air.

Perhaps when the time has come, when my babies are grown and their babies too. When my hair is all grey, and my legs are weak. He will come to take me home. I hope it is not to much to ask to be greeted on the other side by all that I have loved and lost....and one big brown dog, with a duck in his mouth.

Good bye my friend and I love you with all my heart, until we meet again.

For Me

My lifes motto is to "Make It Count". You already assumed that if you read my blog. Its the bloody title for pete's sake. It is something that is indefinately important to me. So important that two years ago I had the moto permanently tattoed to my wrist. Yep, I really did. I wanted it to be a constant reminder. A reminder so that every morning I wake up and I see it and think, "today has to count for something", and every night I look at it and think about what I did that day to make it count.

Sometimes it is the simple things, like making sure my daughters knew they were special that day. Taking the time to do something they wanted, or taking the time to make them feel important. Other times it has been the big things in life that I made damn sure I made it count. However sometimes I do everything in my powere to "make that moment count" and that moment falls flat on its face. Some days are just days, days that all we do to make it through is survive that day. It is ok to have a few days a year like that, it happens often completely out of our control or even when it is our very own fault, sometimes it is best to just let it play out, and start new the next day.

That is when I realized I had a problem. This morning I woke up staring at my wrist. I really didn't want to get out of bed, as I lay there staring my personal commitment in the face I realized I hadn't wanted to get out of bed most of this week, most of the month....wait most of the year. The most recent day I did leap out of bed was this past Thursday, the one day this week that I got to live my life and do only the things I wanted to do.

So as I lay in bed this morning I started to wonder what was making me shirk my personal motto, what was holding me back. Disappointment, ya a little bit. Stress, sure that was a factor, for those of you who really know me would agree that the simple fact that my ponytail's thickness is half of what is has always been can agree, yes she has been stressed out a bit. However most of those feelings should be moving on, and away. Let's face it we are creeping out of a dark place. Don was unemployed for three months with no possibility of unemployment due to our stint in the islands. He scrounged up some work but it was minimal pay and we were not able to pay all our bills, We had accumulated an enormous debt with my emergency surgery immediately before they layoff. I applied for two jobs one of which was my first choice and recieved the latter, which was better than nothing. That enormouse debt, by some miracle was reduced by $17000.00 by a charitable discount by, believe it or not, the hospital itself who paid off my entire hospital bill for the surgery. Don was offered two jobs, he chose the more stable and relieable job that should last as long as we desire. So stress, yes we have had our fair share lately but things are starting to look up. No life is ever stress free, but we should soon be back to the normal alloted amount.

So, still why am I finding it difficult to make it count. I could blame a lot of little things. I really don't like my new current job, it is a means to an end. I am annoyed by the weather and its false promises of spring with its annoying little teasers. We are still broke, playing the catch up and come current game. But then, on the other hand, we bought a new car (it is a catch 22, we had to as we lost the use of a company truck from the layoff job and I have to work to pay the bill). Don has a job that for the first time in his life he gets paid vaccation, sick leave, medical insurance and he loves it. We are all healthy, the girls are happy and unaware that life can be difficult and cruel.

So what can I do? What have I done in the past, to really be able to "Make It Count". Beyond the little things that you cheat and count from time to time because we can't have every day be a "outta of the ballpark kind of day". Or can we?

I hear my mothers voice "Attitude is everything" and that is a fact sometimes we simply need to change our state of mind, be grateful for what we have, count our blessings even the small ones. However, my mother taught me well and my personal motto is not "be grateful for what you have" I did not choose to permanently tattoo "Attitude is Everything" into my skin. My motto is "Make It Count - reach for the stars and you can do anything!" Make the days be days to remember, days that will go down in history. I know I have set the bar high, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

I think that is what has me lacking my ususal luster. Although my life's motto is acheiving greatness, somehow I fell into the trap of settling for normalcy. I told my mother recently that all I really wanted was to be normal. What The Fuck was I thinking I don't want to be normal, I hate normal. I hate big box stores but I am working at one. I hate people who wear what everyone else is wearing, the sheep that roam around this earth bore me and I do not want to be like everyone else. I want to stand out and be DIFFERENT!!!

A week ago or so I opened a box that had been sealed for years. I knew what was inside and having had no time to deal with the contents I just kept ingnoring the box. The day I opened it I got lost, this box was full the the brim of pictures. The top of the box were recent pictures of my first child soon to be 8 as a baby. The box went back in time from there. It was as if I was looking in a looking glass of some long lost relative. The things and people in theses pictures were me and my family and close friends but it was not a reflection I see today. Life changes I get that, we grow and learn, we change....but sometimes the person we see before us is not the person we were striving to be. Sometimes we fall of the path, or turn the wrong way.

At the bottom of this box was pictures, a catalog, and memories that seemed like a lifetime ago. Before I met my husband, before I had my beautiful daughters I was invited to participate in an event called Women of the West. It was an honor and I was thrilled. I was selected to show my skills as a mondern day cowgirl. It was an perfect example of Making it Count.

A year ago in my Making It Count journey I realized who I was.....it was the reason I couldn't stay in paradise because I was not filling my personal destiny. We came back to the mainland and it has been one hell of a ride, so swift and chaotic that I forgot what I am and who I am supposed to become.

This is pulled from a blog post dated 2/18/13

True Grit happened. Girls were put to sleep, dishes were done. I took a shower was ready for bed, and Don asked if I wanted to watch the end of "True Grit" with him. Sure why not. He was in the middle. The set up was down, all that was left was the start of the body count. Rooster worked through the men like a pile of pancakes. Good story, great acting (we are watching the new one with Jeff Bridges and Matt Damon). The end is where it started to unravel me, watching as he rode "Old Blackie" into the ground to save her life. Then as she stated in the end of the rousing good times she to had shared with Ole Rooster Cogburn, and as she said so correctly "Time just gets away from us."

Tears welled up, I miss my life. I miss my horse. I miss the me I used to be. I feel lost in this blue sea, and that my True Grit is starting to leave me. As much as I liked the idea of it, an Island Girl I am not. I am a cowgirl who once was filled with "True Grit", feeling as if I am going soft, and memories are starting to fade away...

Make It Count!

Waiting

Funny how things you don't want, become things you do want. Things you thought you never could acomplish, become things that are easy or even mundane.

Constantly in a state of motion. Life, it is ever changing. My children, despite my constant requests continue to age, grow taller, and morph into girls, and all to soon little women.

Perspective, if you give it time will always change. That grass you see will change with the seasons, it will be green and lush as a May blanket, and dead as dust in late November. You just simply have to give it time, and patience.

Oh how I hate the word. Patience. I have very little, and I suspect it will be one of my constant battles in life. I believe, as I am aging, I am getting better that the little things in life agrivate me less, and I see the need in my childrens eyes to be patient with them and let them discover at their pace. However, I still find myself constantly rushing, and pushing them to move faster, stop dawdling, hurry up and get it over with.

I need to dawdle more, watch the clouds more. It would probably increase my patience. If nothing else, as I sit and wait for the next thing in life, perhaps I would enjoy the moments a little more if I sat and watched the clouds, or my little angels playing.

So, I guess as I sit and wait. Wait for answers, holding my breath, crossing my fingers, praying to God. I guess I will go and watch my children grow, the clouds roll by, and the grass brown as it is now, it will soon begin to turn again into that lush green blanket of possibilities.



P.S. to all my friends and family who may or may not read this with the tag from Facebook, you who get all a twitter with a simple but in your minds cryptic post placed there...I love you all dearly and when the time is right you will understand what i mean. However, I love that you think our lives our so fantastical that we might be moving to Egypt, or expecting a baby, or perhaps joining the peace corps. Although some of those ideas are tempting, you all really need to think smaller, and pull us down of that pedstal. We are really just as simple and boring as you (even though all of us hold greatness in our hearts).

2014

It another year, we have survived and arrived at 2014.

I wrote a check today and dated it 1/4/13. Why is it so hard for us to wrap our heads around progress when our hearts are so eagar to accept it? I will find myself still dating things from the previous year clear into the month of March.

I saw a lot of blog posts, status updates, and media reminders that we must all make our resolutions.

Mine are really simple this year...

slow down, take it all in

play more, work less

be proud, proud of my children, my husband, my family and show them this pride and gratitude

and love myself and God to the fullest extent of my hearts capacity.

That's it, those four things. I figure if I do those four things perfectly that by the end of the year everything else will fall into place.

I wish you luck on your journey this year, may you find whatever it is that you are looking for.

Make It Count