Thursday, November 29, 2012

Disappointment with a Silver Lining

Fuck This Shit.....I stepped on my scale this morning and threw my hands in the air. Of course I was probably being unrealistic and expecting some sort of miracle from three days ago...but come on, I had been diligent in the last three days. Eating only celery and carrots for lunch....give me a damn pound would you!!

I had come down to the wire. Procrastination is my biggest failure, and in weight loss it is the first failure. I had set a goal, actually a goal within a goal. Hoping to motivate my plateau of weight loss I had most recently reached. I really wanted to loose 10 lbs. before our trip to Disney World. I set this goal in October at which time I weighed 6 lbs less then I do today. So then last Friday I decided I would be very diligent and try my hardest to loose these 6 pesky pounds that found me again in the last month. Reaching the original weight, vowing to be happy with that, go on vacation, to return (probably 6 lbs heavier if not more) and continue working on loosing weight reaching my ultimate goal of 81 lbs total loss (someday right).

I failed.

So I became very disappointed, disappointed in my weight, disappointed in ME. So what did I do today, eat everything in sight. No really I did.

1 Chocolate Pumpkin Muffin
1 Banana (see I started out ok)
2 c. skim milk
4 graham crackers slathered in Nutella (not gonna even bother guessing how much)
4 tbs fried onions ( yep really going for it now)
2 slices of cheese pizza
1 can of Coke
3-4 glasses of water, because you sweat just sitting around

All of that before 2 pm Atlantic Standard Time (sort of, whole other story)

Then as I loaded a grumpy baby in the car to go get her sister, and drove down a jeep trail also known as my road I began to cry. Yep, I did. At first I was crying because I had a headache, Rozi was catter-walling for who know what reason, and I was tired. Then I realized I was crying and began to ponder why. I was so disappointed in myself. I realized at that moment that I had done what I always do. I stepped on the scale so no change, decided FUCK IT I DON'T CARE. And then I ate.

When in all reality I do care. I am sick and tired of being fat. I am not a fat person. I have not been fat since I was a child, I do not have health issues to blame, I am active and physically capable of physical activity. Actually I am quite active, and I feel it. My joints ache due to all the extra weight. My back bothers me often, my feet get swollen when I am on them all day. I hate that I cannot play with my children the way I want to. I can't run and jump with them without being winded. I don't fit in things like my mind thinks I should. I hate the way people look at me when I mention that I have trained horses. I can see the doubt and disbelief in their faces. Not to mention many other unpleasant side effects due to my obesity. There I said it, I am obese.

I am 5'5", my ideal body weight is 125-137 lbs. According to that I am currently 75-87 lbs overweight.

National Institutes of Health states A BMI greater than 25 is considered overweight and a BMI greater than 30 is considered obese.

My BMI (Body Mass Index) is 35.3, OBESE. I don't like it, but it is reality. Time to face reality. That is why I am writing this, I hope it helps someone else, anyone else. But most of all I need to put this down so I can come back here on the next FUCK IT day. I have to stop the cycle.

There is a silver lining in all this.

When we got home first thing I did was log all the food I ate. Face the music. Not a pretty calorie count, but puts it all in perspective. Then I sat down alone in my room and pondered how I was going to stop this, how I was going to change.

Eight months ago I started Weight Watchers. I lost 20 lbs and it felt great. Then I began having a hard time staying with the food program. Food here is very expensive as I have mentioned. Getting things from Wal-mart became difficult and I couldn't afford to buy the same things here. I did okay maintaining, I hadn't gained but I wasn't loosing. Then somewhere in the last 2 months 6 lbs found me. I began to panic it was the worst feeling because with the panic came the feeling of failure, and then the feeling of despair. I think I began to give up. I think that is how I got to today. I believe that is exactly how I got to the 200's years ago. I gave up trying.

I am not a quitter anyone who knows me knows I get back on the horse every time I come off. I have competed with broken bones, I have ridden with fractures I have looked straight into the face of failure and not quit. Somehow this one aspect of my life I keep quitting.

Silver lining in two days we are leaving to go on vacation to Walt Disney World, where we will be walking everywhere.  8 miles a day is the supposed average. Food is outrageous there. I loaded my calorie counter on my iphone. Packed up a bunch of healthy snacks. I want to spend on memories not food. Instead of going on vacation and throwing all diet-caution to the wind, I am going armed to the teeth. I am not going to gain, and I am going to use the magic inspired exercise to come home thinner.

I'm not looking for a miracle, I will take a pound. Shooting for my 6. So check back in ten days and I will let you know how I did. Not to mention how much fun we will have!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am up, not down. I feel better, thanks for letting me share. Feel free to cheer me on, I am happy to cheer any of you on just let me know. Join me.....happiness is contagious.


Saturday, November 17, 2012


I have done a lot of complaining lately. Sorry for that, and I am ashamed really.

For the first time in years, actually for the first time in my married life, life is perfect. Really it is. Yes, I miss our mountains daily. Yes, we miss all our dear friends and family daily. However, for the last ten years Don and I have really had one hurdle after another. For those of you who have known us all that time, and were there by our sides, you understand.

Really life was not a bowl of cherries for us. A lot of heartache and change, a lot of uncertainty and trial. We had glimmering moments, the birth of both our beautiful girls. Magical moments shared with our friends and family. Adventures and travel, but every corner we turned there was something waiting for us, some challenge we had to overcome. Some of them absolutely heartbreaking and maddening.

8 months ago when yet another curve ball was thrown our way, we did the unexpected, we stepped out onto a ledge that we could not see. We took a really big gamble, with our lives in the balance. We had nothing to loose, and we really needed to gain.

Our lives have brought us to a point that only dreams are made of. Lessons that you cannot teach are presented at our feet daily. We have met people that will change us forever. I have seen great sadness, true poverty and despair like I could never imagine. I have seen great wealth, great generosity in places I would least expect it.

Miracles in nature I only dreamed of seeing have filled  my heart as I float silently in the ocean. Memories are filling our hearts daily that we all will carry the rest of our lives. The sun smiles down on us, and I am truly blessed and grateful.

There are difficulties with island living, but I live on an Island! Every night my husband is home, his arms wrapped tightly around me as I sleep. My children are happy and excited. Laughter fills our house. As I write this a gentle trade wind fills my house, sailboats glide along the ocean, passion fruit blooms scent fill the air. I have a lot to be Thankful for!

I thank God for my family, my health and my families health. I thank God for our wealth, our bills are paid, and although never enough we have savings in place for safe keeping. My animals fill my soul with love. I have friends who pray for our safety, and keep us in their thoughts at all times. My talents and abilities that help keep me motivated and constantly striving to learn and be better. My husband who loves me unconditionally, who holds my heart forever more. For my children who keep me balanced, who teach me lessons everyday, and who fill my heart with more love than it can hold. My family near and far who cheer us on through this amazing adventure. And last but not least for a God who has created this crazy, amazing thing called LIFE!

I am Thankful to have all that I do, and I hope that in the end I will prove to not have wasted my time, and that I will have made a difference in all that I did.



Thursday, November 8, 2012

Easy Come, Easy Go

Goodbye, so long, farewell.

Land of change, people come and go all day through a tiny little airport. You board your plane in the humidity, or are greeted with promises of tropical paradise painted on the walls as you walk across hot asphalt. People come to this rock for a multitude of reasons. Vacation, work, escape or home. To find love or leave it. No matter the reason, people come and they go.

We have been here 7 or 8 months, depends who you ask. It has been hard making friends, people keep to themselves or if local are surrounded by family. The two of us stick out like sore thumbs. Slowly through work and school we meet people and get to know them. Cultures entwine when we go to the beach or share a dinner. Most people from Don's job have taken to tolerating the rednecks from the backwoods west.

We have become friends with to mid-western kids, hard to say it really, I still feel like a kid, but they are just barely in their twenties. They worked with Don, came to this Island almost a year ago to the day. For a job they came here, with the same company who is paying our bills. Like the rest of us they found adventure and trials in their daily lives here. Upon coming here they left home as high school sweethearts, being in a tropical paradise the chose to get married here. Why not!

We were invited to their wedding, everyone should attend at least one beach side wedding. It was magnificently beautiful with sand in our toes, and the sun parting through the palm trees. Perfection on a wedding day, always worth enjoying. The party was magnificent, the food was fabulous. We are still talking about their cookie table. The girls were a hit, free entertainment for all.

The girls absolutely adore this couple. Katlyn will play and chat with Macy endlessly, and Ben with his goofball antics constantly has them laughing. Really a great couple with a lifetime of potential ahead of them.

Sadly they are leaving this week, returning to the mid-west. They had enough sun, fun, and toil. In a land where children never grow old, and men turn back to children. They are moving on, bigger and better things ahead. Pennsylvania  ill be home, a job in Ben's field, and Katlyn is going back to school. Their family is close, and a Wal-mart just around the corner.

We gained a crock pot, some cookie sheets, and a lot of laughs. In exchange we loose our new found friends. Life on the island.....always changing. Land of the transient people.

Easy Come, Easy Go.