Fuck This Shit.....I stepped on my scale this morning and threw my hands in the air. Of course I was probably being unrealistic and expecting some sort of miracle from three days ago...but come on, I had been diligent in the last three days. Eating only celery and carrots for lunch....give me a damn pound would you!!
I had come down to the wire. Procrastination is my biggest failure, and in weight loss it is the first failure. I had set a goal, actually a goal within a goal. Hoping to motivate my plateau of weight loss I had most recently reached. I really wanted to loose 10 lbs. before our trip to Disney World. I set this goal in October at which time I weighed 6 lbs less then I do today. So then last Friday I decided I would be very diligent and try my hardest to loose these 6 pesky pounds that found me again in the last month. Reaching the original weight, vowing to be happy with that, go on vacation, to return (probably 6 lbs heavier if not more) and continue working on loosing weight reaching my ultimate goal of 81 lbs total loss (someday right).
So I became very disappointed, disappointed in my weight, disappointed in ME. So what did I do today, eat everything in sight. No really I did.
1 Chocolate Pumpkin Muffin
1 Banana (see I started out ok)
2 c. skim milk
4 graham crackers slathered in Nutella (not gonna even bother guessing how much)
4 tbs fried onions ( yep really going for it now)
2 slices of cheese pizza
1 can of Coke
3-4 glasses of water, because you sweat just sitting around
All of that before 2 pm Atlantic Standard Time (sort of, whole other story)
Then as I loaded a grumpy baby in the car to go get her sister, and drove down a jeep trail also known as my road I began to cry. Yep, I did. At first I was crying because I had a headache, Rozi was catter-walling for who know what reason, and I was tired. Then I realized I was crying and began to ponder why. I was so disappointed in myself. I realized at that moment that I had done what I always do. I stepped on the scale so no change, decided FUCK IT I DON'T CARE. And then I ate.
When in all reality I do care. I am sick and tired of being fat. I am not a fat person. I have not been fat since I was a child, I do not have health issues to blame, I am active and physically capable of physical activity. Actually I am quite active, and I feel it. My joints ache due to all the extra weight. My back bothers me often, my feet get swollen when I am on them all day. I hate that I cannot play with my children the way I want to. I can't run and jump with them without being winded. I don't fit in things like my mind thinks I should. I hate the way people look at me when I mention that I have trained horses. I can see the doubt and disbelief in their faces. Not to mention many other unpleasant side effects due to my obesity. There I said it, I am obese.
I am 5'5", my ideal body weight is 125-137 lbs. According to that I am currently 75-87 lbs overweight.
National Institutes of Health states A BMI greater than 25 is considered overweight and a BMI greater than 30 is considered obese.
My BMI (Body Mass Index) is 35.3, OBESE. I don't like it, but it is reality. Time to face reality. That is why I am writing this, I hope it helps someone else, anyone else. But most of all I need to put this down so I can come back here on the next FUCK IT day. I have to stop the cycle.
There is a silver lining in all this.
When we got home first thing I did was log all the food I ate. Face the music. Not a pretty calorie count, but puts it all in perspective. Then I sat down alone in my room and pondered how I was going to stop this, how I was going to change.
Eight months ago I started Weight Watchers. I lost 20 lbs and it felt great. Then I began having a hard time staying with the food program. Food here is very expensive as I have mentioned. Getting things from Wal-mart became difficult and I couldn't afford to buy the same things here. I did okay maintaining, I hadn't gained but I wasn't loosing. Then somewhere in the last 2 months 6 lbs found me. I began to panic it was the worst feeling because with the panic came the feeling of failure, and then the feeling of despair. I think I began to give up. I think that is how I got to today. I believe that is exactly how I got to the 200's years ago. I gave up trying.
I am not a quitter anyone who knows me knows I get back on the horse every time I come off. I have competed with broken bones, I have ridden with fractures I have looked straight into the face of failure and not quit. Somehow this one aspect of my life I keep quitting.
Silver lining in two days we are leaving to go on vacation to Walt Disney World, where we will be walking everywhere. 8 miles a day is the supposed average. Food is outrageous there. I loaded my calorie counter on my iphone. Packed up a bunch of healthy snacks. I want to spend on memories not food. Instead of going on vacation and throwing all diet-caution to the wind, I am going armed to the teeth. I am not going to gain, and I am going to use the magic inspired exercise to come home thinner.
I'm not looking for a miracle, I will take a pound. Shooting for my 6. So check back in ten days and I will let you know how I did. Not to mention how much fun we will have!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am up, not down. I feel better, thanks for letting me share. Feel free to cheer me on, I am happy to cheer any of you on just let me know. Join me.....happiness is contagious.
I CAN DO THIS
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