Thursday, November 29, 2012

Disappointment with a Silver Lining

Fuck This Shit.....I stepped on my scale this morning and threw my hands in the air. Of course I was probably being unrealistic and expecting some sort of miracle from three days ago...but come on, I had been diligent in the last three days. Eating only celery and carrots for lunch....give me a damn pound would you!!

I had come down to the wire. Procrastination is my biggest failure, and in weight loss it is the first failure. I had set a goal, actually a goal within a goal. Hoping to motivate my plateau of weight loss I had most recently reached. I really wanted to loose 10 lbs. before our trip to Disney World. I set this goal in October at which time I weighed 6 lbs less then I do today. So then last Friday I decided I would be very diligent and try my hardest to loose these 6 pesky pounds that found me again in the last month. Reaching the original weight, vowing to be happy with that, go on vacation, to return (probably 6 lbs heavier if not more) and continue working on loosing weight reaching my ultimate goal of 81 lbs total loss (someday right).

I failed.

So I became very disappointed, disappointed in my weight, disappointed in ME. So what did I do today, eat everything in sight. No really I did.

1 Chocolate Pumpkin Muffin
1 Banana (see I started out ok)
2 c. skim milk
4 graham crackers slathered in Nutella (not gonna even bother guessing how much)
4 tbs fried onions ( yep really going for it now)
2 slices of cheese pizza
1 can of Coke
3-4 glasses of water, because you sweat just sitting around

All of that before 2 pm Atlantic Standard Time (sort of, whole other story)

Then as I loaded a grumpy baby in the car to go get her sister, and drove down a jeep trail also known as my road I began to cry. Yep, I did. At first I was crying because I had a headache, Rozi was catter-walling for who know what reason, and I was tired. Then I realized I was crying and began to ponder why. I was so disappointed in myself. I realized at that moment that I had done what I always do. I stepped on the scale so no change, decided FUCK IT I DON'T CARE. And then I ate.

When in all reality I do care. I am sick and tired of being fat. I am not a fat person. I have not been fat since I was a child, I do not have health issues to blame, I am active and physically capable of physical activity. Actually I am quite active, and I feel it. My joints ache due to all the extra weight. My back bothers me often, my feet get swollen when I am on them all day. I hate that I cannot play with my children the way I want to. I can't run and jump with them without being winded. I don't fit in things like my mind thinks I should. I hate the way people look at me when I mention that I have trained horses. I can see the doubt and disbelief in their faces. Not to mention many other unpleasant side effects due to my obesity. There I said it, I am obese.

I am 5'5", my ideal body weight is 125-137 lbs. According to that I am currently 75-87 lbs overweight.

National Institutes of Health states A BMI greater than 25 is considered overweight and a BMI greater than 30 is considered obese.

My BMI (Body Mass Index) is 35.3, OBESE. I don't like it, but it is reality. Time to face reality. That is why I am writing this, I hope it helps someone else, anyone else. But most of all I need to put this down so I can come back here on the next FUCK IT day. I have to stop the cycle.

There is a silver lining in all this.

When we got home first thing I did was log all the food I ate. Face the music. Not a pretty calorie count, but puts it all in perspective. Then I sat down alone in my room and pondered how I was going to stop this, how I was going to change.

Eight months ago I started Weight Watchers. I lost 20 lbs and it felt great. Then I began having a hard time staying with the food program. Food here is very expensive as I have mentioned. Getting things from Wal-mart became difficult and I couldn't afford to buy the same things here. I did okay maintaining, I hadn't gained but I wasn't loosing. Then somewhere in the last 2 months 6 lbs found me. I began to panic it was the worst feeling because with the panic came the feeling of failure, and then the feeling of despair. I think I began to give up. I think that is how I got to today. I believe that is exactly how I got to the 200's years ago. I gave up trying.

I am not a quitter anyone who knows me knows I get back on the horse every time I come off. I have competed with broken bones, I have ridden with fractures I have looked straight into the face of failure and not quit. Somehow this one aspect of my life I keep quitting.

Silver lining in two days we are leaving to go on vacation to Walt Disney World, where we will be walking everywhere.  8 miles a day is the supposed average. Food is outrageous there. I loaded my calorie counter on my iphone. Packed up a bunch of healthy snacks. I want to spend on memories not food. Instead of going on vacation and throwing all diet-caution to the wind, I am going armed to the teeth. I am not going to gain, and I am going to use the magic inspired exercise to come home thinner.

I'm not looking for a miracle, I will take a pound. Shooting for my 6. So check back in ten days and I will let you know how I did. Not to mention how much fun we will have!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am up, not down. I feel better, thanks for letting me share. Feel free to cheer me on, I am happy to cheer any of you on just let me know. Join me.....happiness is contagious.



Steohanie weber said...

You can do it! I know you will. Have fun in Disney world.

farawayeyes said...

While eating is more like an addiction than a choice, the attitude with which you face any problem is always a choice. All you have to do it make the right one.

cadylee said...

I created an account with's MyPlate that has been really helpful in my weight loss struggle. It lets you track your weight and has a pretty comprehensive list of food items you can enter in a food journal and it will automatically generate the calorie, fat, etc. information for that item. It also lets you set weight loss goals and gives you a daily calorie allowance. If you stick with it, you can really see the day-by-day loss (or gain, if you cheat like I often do). Plus, you can enter recipes you like to cook, and it uses the same tools to calculate the calories, etc. for those recipes, so that even if the recipe itself doesn't come with nutrition information, you can get at least a pretty good approximation. It also lets you track your exercise, though my experience has been that diet is a lot bigger part of weight loss than exercise. All that stuff is free, and it's been a really big help for me.