Saturday, March 29, 2014

For Me

My lifes motto is to "Make It Count". You already assumed that if you read my blog. Its the bloody title for pete's sake. It is something that is indefinately important to me. So important that two years ago I had the moto permanently tattoed to my wrist. Yep, I really did. I wanted it to be a constant reminder. A reminder so that every morning I wake up and I see it and think, "today has to count for something", and every night I look at it and think about what I did that day to make it count.

Sometimes it is the simple things, like making sure my daughters knew they were special that day. Taking the time to do something they wanted, or taking the time to make them feel important. Other times it has been the big things in life that I made damn sure I made it count. However sometimes I do everything in my powere to "make that moment count" and that moment falls flat on its face. Some days are just days, days that all we do to make it through is survive that day. It is ok to have a few days a year like that, it happens often completely out of our control or even when it is our very own fault, sometimes it is best to just let it play out, and start new the next day.

That is when I realized I had a problem. This morning I woke up staring at my wrist. I really didn't want to get out of bed, as I lay there staring my personal commitment in the face I realized I hadn't wanted to get out of bed most of this week, most of the month....wait most of the year. The most recent day I did leap out of bed was this past Thursday, the one day this week that I got to live my life and do only the things I wanted to do.

So as I lay in bed this morning I started to wonder what was making me shirk my personal motto, what was holding me back. Disappointment, ya a little bit. Stress, sure that was a factor, for those of you who really know me would agree that the simple fact that my ponytail's thickness is half of what is has always been can agree, yes she has been stressed out a bit. However most of those feelings should be moving on, and away. Let's face it we are creeping out of a dark place. Don was unemployed for three months with no possibility of unemployment due to our stint in the islands. He scrounged up some work but it was minimal pay and we were not able to pay all our bills, We had accumulated an enormous debt with my emergency surgery immediately before they layoff. I applied for two jobs one of which was my first choice and recieved the latter, which was better than nothing. That enormouse debt, by some miracle was reduced by $17000.00 by a charitable discount by, believe it or not, the hospital itself who paid off my entire hospital bill for the surgery. Don was offered two jobs, he chose the more stable and relieable job that should last as long as we desire. So stress, yes we have had our fair share lately but things are starting to look up. No life is ever stress free, but we should soon be back to the normal alloted amount.

So, still why am I finding it difficult to make it count. I could blame a lot of little things. I really don't like my new current job, it is a means to an end. I am annoyed by the weather and its false promises of spring with its annoying little teasers. We are still broke, playing the catch up and come current game. But then, on the other hand, we bought a new car (it is a catch 22, we had to as we lost the use of a company truck from the layoff job and I have to work to pay the bill). Don has a job that for the first time in his life he gets paid vaccation, sick leave, medical insurance and he loves it. We are all healthy, the girls are happy and unaware that life can be difficult and cruel.

So what can I do? What have I done in the past, to really be able to "Make It Count". Beyond the little things that you cheat and count from time to time because we can't have every day be a "outta of the ballpark kind of day". Or can we?

I hear my mothers voice "Attitude is everything" and that is a fact sometimes we simply need to change our state of mind, be grateful for what we have, count our blessings even the small ones. However, my mother taught me well and my personal motto is not "be grateful for what you have" I did not choose to permanently tattoo "Attitude is Everything" into my skin. My motto is "Make It Count - reach for the stars and you can do anything!" Make the days be days to remember, days that will go down in history. I know I have set the bar high, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

I think that is what has me lacking my ususal luster. Although my life's motto is acheiving greatness, somehow I fell into the trap of settling for normalcy. I told my mother recently that all I really wanted was to be normal. What The Fuck was I thinking I don't want to be normal, I hate normal. I hate big box stores but I am working at one. I hate people who wear what everyone else is wearing, the sheep that roam around this earth bore me and I do not want to be like everyone else. I want to stand out and be DIFFERENT!!!

A week ago or so I opened a box that had been sealed for years. I knew what was inside and having had no time to deal with the contents I just kept ingnoring the box. The day I opened it I got lost, this box was full the the brim of pictures. The top of the box were recent pictures of my first child soon to be 8 as a baby. The box went back in time from there. It was as if I was looking in a looking glass of some long lost relative. The things and people in theses pictures were me and my family and close friends but it was not a reflection I see today. Life changes I get that, we grow and learn, we change....but sometimes the person we see before us is not the person we were striving to be. Sometimes we fall of the path, or turn the wrong way.

At the bottom of this box was pictures, a catalog, and memories that seemed like a lifetime ago. Before I met my husband, before I had my beautiful daughters I was invited to participate in an event called Women of the West. It was an honor and I was thrilled. I was selected to show my skills as a mondern day cowgirl. It was an perfect example of Making it Count.

A year ago in my Making It Count journey I realized who I was the reason I couldn't stay in paradise because I was not filling my personal destiny. We came back to the mainland and it has been one hell of a ride, so swift and chaotic that I forgot what I am and who I am supposed to become.

This is pulled from a blog post dated 2/18/13

True Grit happened. Girls were put to sleep, dishes were done. I took a shower was ready for bed, and Don asked if I wanted to watch the end of "True Grit" with him. Sure why not. He was in the middle. The set up was down, all that was left was the start of the body count. Rooster worked through the men like a pile of pancakes. Good story, great acting (we are watching the new one with Jeff Bridges and Matt Damon). The end is where it started to unravel me, watching as he rode "Old Blackie" into the ground to save her life. Then as she stated in the end of the rousing good times she to had shared with Ole Rooster Cogburn, and as she said so correctly "Time just gets away from us."

Tears welled up, I miss my life. I miss my horse. I miss the me I used to be. I feel lost in this blue sea, and that my True Grit is starting to leave me. As much as I liked the idea of it, an Island Girl I am not. I am a cowgirl who once was filled with "True Grit", feeling as if I am going soft, and memories are starting to fade away...

Make It Count!

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