Honesty

Paradise:  is a religious term for a place in which existence is positive, harmonious and timeless.  


Funny, I always thought it was somewhere, come to find out it really is a state of mind.  


When I was a little girl I wanted to grow up to be a boy. Yep, you heard that right. No I didn't want a sex change. I watched a lot of movies and in those movies the boys and men where the fearless cowboys, the adventures, the wild bunch. Girls were sissies. I did not want to be a sissy. As I got older I learned I could be a girl and be a member of the "wild bunch". I was daredevil, yes I stuck my tongue to frozen poles. I swam naked in beaver ponds, I fell off horses and got right back on.

As I got older I learned that I could be a girl/women who had appeal as an outlaw (I prefer the term, call it what you want.) I worked hard to become who I was, we all do. Then I hit that dreadful age of uncertainty. I went to collage got lost, got found, got lost, and found again. This time I was found by my mother who insisted I go into business for myself as a horse trainer. (personally I thought she was nuts, but I played along (really I did)).

I worked really hard at it. For two years I worked at making a name for myself, I had a lot of people doubt me. Slowly I gained followers and believers as that happened I found myself believing and seeing it.

Ten years ago I was at my peak. I was making money, paying my bills, training horses. I sold my first high dollar horse all by myself. I had met the man I was gonna marry. He owned land (that's what it was the land), he always thought it was the red truck. He owned an arena, horses, was breeding and raising and needed a good trainer. Paradise.

Life happens while we are making other plans, my mama always used to tell me. Boy, she is so smart.

I don't know where it happened. Where I lost myself again, but I did. Looking back I think I can see it, really a lot has happened. It always does, but I know that I started to doubt myself a little more each day until one day I believed I wasn't really that person. You think I've got this, or that doesn't change me. But it does. I decided I didn't care anymore, I decided that's not me. I wanted to be this...this person I never was. But I insisted, I started looking for anything to make me happy again. We fought Don and I, looking back I see he was trying to pull me back. He has always seen it, but he didn't know how to fix it. I bet he even blames himself. Its not his fault, that's a fact.

I wanted so badly for a change, thinking a change would make it better. I had a dream of living by the ocean.....I love the ocean. I think I thought that it was what burned deep inside me. When the opportunity struck I leaped at it, perhaps faster than I should. I had already decided I didn't care, I could give it all up, remember it wasn't really me anyways.

Paradise....state or mind, state of being. I found it, funny that I had to travel 3500 miles in the wrong direction to have to turn and look back and see what it is that makes me...me. The ocean does have a healing power, it is a mirror looking through it you see yourself and what you have become.

Healing I am. Not gonna be easy, not gonna be swift. Wish that it was, but never an easy fix. But...

I hear the wind across the plain 

A sound so strong - that calls my name 

It's wild like the river - it's warm like the sun 

Ya it's here - this is where I belong

Under the starry skies - where eagles have flown 

This place is paradise - it's the place I call home 

The moon on the mountains 

The whisper through the trees 

The waves on the water 

Let nothing come between this and me

Cuz everything I want - is everything that's here 

And when when we're all together - there's nothing to fear 

And wherever I wander - the one thing I've learned 

It's to here - I will always....always return

A Year

One year ago I was here on St Croix. No I have not lived here for a year, I was here for our annual visit the parents trip.

Dreaming is believing,
Believing is seeing,
Seeing is living.


On that trip my parents were doing their usual, you should move here you would love it spiel. I believed them to be right but I told them, "not in a million years would Don ever move to place like this."


Well in One year, I have experienced a million. And let me tell you today that feels all the more true.


Living here is way different than a vacation here. Officially I have lived here for 100 days. Feels like a lifetime. 


The people are like nothing I have ever experienced. They are kind, patient, friendly and above all proud of their heritage. 


The island is all that I could have hoped for, plus more. The ocean is full of life and adventure for me and the girls. Everything is a festival or party. Everyone lives for the weekends when the beaches are packed and the island is alive. 


Lifestyle is expensive. However their are people here who have next to nothing, yet they are surviving. I  read on another blog today about taking your troubles and laying them in a pile with other peoples troubles and given the option to choose new troubles, most people would gather their own back up again. 


Yesterday I was clearing a shipment through customs for work. Which includes driving in circles on this rock. At one point I was driving along in the pouring rain and I passed a women carrying several bags of groceries and a gallon of milk all in one hand, while her other arm was wrapped around her 3 month old baby with a diaper bag slung on her shoulder. It was really raining I hit the brakes and backed up. I rolled down the window and hollered out if she wanted a ride, her grateful eyes lit up as she hollered "Si."


She ran over and climbed inside, soaking wet water rolling off her and her baby girl groceries weighing in at 25lbs piled at her feet. I looked at her and knew she didn't speak a lick of English and said "Where to?" She rattled off something in spanish and I smiled pathetically. She realized I didn't speak a lick of spanish. So we started down the road with a mix of Spanglish and a lot of gestures. It wasn't too far maybe 2-3 miles and I dropped her at her front door. I could tell she was eternally grateful, and as was I for that moment of realization that no matter how little it seems you have, someone out there always has less and you can give something of yourself to them. 


Island life isn't always paradise, we are learning that. But we remain blessed and grateful for the experience. When it is all said and done our sacrifices will be well worth it in the end. 

Thanks for all of you who are cheering us on. We miss you and our grateful for what you are doing to help us have this experience!