Losing My Best Friend

I have many friends. Many good friends, and several bestfriends. I know one of life's greatest cliches is that you are to only have one "best friend". I could never pick just one person to be my "best" and those of you reading this I hope understand that I love you with all my heart and would even give my life for you if neccessary because that is the kind of person and friend I am. But my BEST FRIEND is not human. Never would have been. You see I like animals way more than I like people. I have always had an inner pull to the animal kingdom, and as my life proves I have lived among the beasts.

Since I was a child I longed for one of my very own "Man's Best Friends" I have had, and will have several k-9 companions in my life. Several of them have been dear to my heart and made quick impressions that last a lifetime. However, only one has been my best friend, my soul mate. He came to me 11 years 6 months ago and has been by my side ever since.

"Gunner D. Bear Thorp" born December 10 2002 he was the pick of the litter, the fattest little chunk. When he looked up at me I knew it immediatly he was perfect, my soul mate. Since then he has been by my side everyday. He has gone to work with me a thousand times, he has climbed moutains with me, swam in the Atlantic Ocean and the Caribbean Ocean with me, and then every little creek, pond, river, and lake in between. We have traveled far and wide, and seen many great things. He learned to ride the 4wheeler, he was the best duck dog a gal could have, and he has raised my children with pride.

He is dying. In my profession I know the inevitable, there is a limit to what can be done, and I have seen unreasonable suffereing. I made a vow to never cross that line, and as we speak I am toeing over it. Gunner's life has left his eyes, he is clinging by threads simply for the beneift of me. He knows what I feel, and that I simply don't want to let go. I won't know how to wake to a bare floor by my bed. I can not bear to see him suffer any longer, and I have made the call. Tomorrow we say goodbye.

Goodbye to a lifetime of memeories and adventures that no one could have asked for better. I have lived in the shadow of animal kingdom royalty. One who looks at me as his Queen. I have had an amazing companion on many walks, rides, and swims. He has taught me how to love unconditionaly and the patience to enjoy the peace of a decent deck, the calm of a gurgling brook, and the excitment of geese in the air.

Perhaps when the time has come, when my babies are grown and their babies too. When my hair is all grey, and my legs are weak. He will come to take me home. I hope it is not to much to ask to be greeted on the other side by all that I have loved and lost....and one big brown dog, with a duck in his mouth.

Good bye my friend and I love you with all my heart, until we meet again.

For Me

My lifes motto is to "Make It Count". You already assumed that if you read my blog. Its the bloody title for pete's sake. It is something that is indefinately important to me. So important that two years ago I had the moto permanently tattoed to my wrist. Yep, I really did. I wanted it to be a constant reminder. A reminder so that every morning I wake up and I see it and think, "today has to count for something", and every night I look at it and think about what I did that day to make it count.

Sometimes it is the simple things, like making sure my daughters knew they were special that day. Taking the time to do something they wanted, or taking the time to make them feel important. Other times it has been the big things in life that I made damn sure I made it count. However sometimes I do everything in my powere to "make that moment count" and that moment falls flat on its face. Some days are just days, days that all we do to make it through is survive that day. It is ok to have a few days a year like that, it happens often completely out of our control or even when it is our very own fault, sometimes it is best to just let it play out, and start new the next day.

That is when I realized I had a problem. This morning I woke up staring at my wrist. I really didn't want to get out of bed, as I lay there staring my personal commitment in the face I realized I hadn't wanted to get out of bed most of this week, most of the month....wait most of the year. The most recent day I did leap out of bed was this past Thursday, the one day this week that I got to live my life and do only the things I wanted to do.

So as I lay in bed this morning I started to wonder what was making me shirk my personal motto, what was holding me back. Disappointment, ya a little bit. Stress, sure that was a factor, for those of you who really know me would agree that the simple fact that my ponytail's thickness is half of what is has always been can agree, yes she has been stressed out a bit. However most of those feelings should be moving on, and away. Let's face it we are creeping out of a dark place. Don was unemployed for three months with no possibility of unemployment due to our stint in the islands. He scrounged up some work but it was minimal pay and we were not able to pay all our bills, We had accumulated an enormous debt with my emergency surgery immediately before they layoff. I applied for two jobs one of which was my first choice and recieved the latter, which was better than nothing. That enormouse debt, by some miracle was reduced by $17000.00 by a charitable discount by, believe it or not, the hospital itself who paid off my entire hospital bill for the surgery. Don was offered two jobs, he chose the more stable and relieable job that should last as long as we desire. So stress, yes we have had our fair share lately but things are starting to look up. No life is ever stress free, but we should soon be back to the normal alloted amount.

So, still why am I finding it difficult to make it count. I could blame a lot of little things. I really don't like my new current job, it is a means to an end. I am annoyed by the weather and its false promises of spring with its annoying little teasers. We are still broke, playing the catch up and come current game. But then, on the other hand, we bought a new car (it is a catch 22, we had to as we lost the use of a company truck from the layoff job and I have to work to pay the bill). Don has a job that for the first time in his life he gets paid vaccation, sick leave, medical insurance and he loves it. We are all healthy, the girls are happy and unaware that life can be difficult and cruel.

So what can I do? What have I done in the past, to really be able to "Make It Count". Beyond the little things that you cheat and count from time to time because we can't have every day be a "outta of the ballpark kind of day". Or can we?

I hear my mothers voice "Attitude is everything" and that is a fact sometimes we simply need to change our state of mind, be grateful for what we have, count our blessings even the small ones. However, my mother taught me well and my personal motto is not "be grateful for what you have" I did not choose to permanently tattoo "Attitude is Everything" into my skin. My motto is "Make It Count - reach for the stars and you can do anything!" Make the days be days to remember, days that will go down in history. I know I have set the bar high, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

I think that is what has me lacking my ususal luster. Although my life's motto is acheiving greatness, somehow I fell into the trap of settling for normalcy. I told my mother recently that all I really wanted was to be normal. What The Fuck was I thinking I don't want to be normal, I hate normal. I hate big box stores but I am working at one. I hate people who wear what everyone else is wearing, the sheep that roam around this earth bore me and I do not want to be like everyone else. I want to stand out and be DIFFERENT!!!

A week ago or so I opened a box that had been sealed for years. I knew what was inside and having had no time to deal with the contents I just kept ingnoring the box. The day I opened it I got lost, this box was full the the brim of pictures. The top of the box were recent pictures of my first child soon to be 8 as a baby. The box went back in time from there. It was as if I was looking in a looking glass of some long lost relative. The things and people in theses pictures were me and my family and close friends but it was not a reflection I see today. Life changes I get that, we grow and learn, we change....but sometimes the person we see before us is not the person we were striving to be. Sometimes we fall of the path, or turn the wrong way.

At the bottom of this box was pictures, a catalog, and memories that seemed like a lifetime ago. Before I met my husband, before I had my beautiful daughters I was invited to participate in an event called Women of the West. It was an honor and I was thrilled. I was selected to show my skills as a mondern day cowgirl. It was an perfect example of Making it Count.

A year ago in my Making It Count journey I realized who I was.....it was the reason I couldn't stay in paradise because I was not filling my personal destiny. We came back to the mainland and it has been one hell of a ride, so swift and chaotic that I forgot what I am and who I am supposed to become.

This is pulled from a blog post dated 2/18/13

True Grit happened. Girls were put to sleep, dishes were done. I took a shower was ready for bed, and Don asked if I wanted to watch the end of "True Grit" with him. Sure why not. He was in the middle. The set up was down, all that was left was the start of the body count. Rooster worked through the men like a pile of pancakes. Good story, great acting (we are watching the new one with Jeff Bridges and Matt Damon). The end is where it started to unravel me, watching as he rode "Old Blackie" into the ground to save her life. Then as she stated in the end of the rousing good times she to had shared with Ole Rooster Cogburn, and as she said so correctly "Time just gets away from us."

Tears welled up, I miss my life. I miss my horse. I miss the me I used to be. I feel lost in this blue sea, and that my True Grit is starting to leave me. As much as I liked the idea of it, an Island Girl I am not. I am a cowgirl who once was filled with "True Grit", feeling as if I am going soft, and memories are starting to fade away...

Make It Count!

Waiting

Funny how things you don't want, become things you do want. Things you thought you never could acomplish, become things that are easy or even mundane.

Constantly in a state of motion. Life, it is ever changing. My children, despite my constant requests continue to age, grow taller, and morph into girls, and all to soon little women.

Perspective, if you give it time will always change. That grass you see will change with the seasons, it will be green and lush as a May blanket, and dead as dust in late November. You just simply have to give it time, and patience.

Oh how I hate the word. Patience. I have very little, and I suspect it will be one of my constant battles in life. I believe, as I am aging, I am getting better that the little things in life agrivate me less, and I see the need in my childrens eyes to be patient with them and let them discover at their pace. However, I still find myself constantly rushing, and pushing them to move faster, stop dawdling, hurry up and get it over with.

I need to dawdle more, watch the clouds more. It would probably increase my patience. If nothing else, as I sit and wait for the next thing in life, perhaps I would enjoy the moments a little more if I sat and watched the clouds, or my little angels playing.

So, I guess as I sit and wait. Wait for answers, holding my breath, crossing my fingers, praying to God. I guess I will go and watch my children grow, the clouds roll by, and the grass brown as it is now, it will soon begin to turn again into that lush green blanket of possibilities.



P.S. to all my friends and family who may or may not read this with the tag from Facebook, you who get all a twitter with a simple but in your minds cryptic post placed there...I love you all dearly and when the time is right you will understand what i mean. However, I love that you think our lives our so fantastical that we might be moving to Egypt, or expecting a baby, or perhaps joining the peace corps. Although some of those ideas are tempting, you all really need to think smaller, and pull us down of that pedstal. We are really just as simple and boring as you (even though all of us hold greatness in our hearts).

2014

It another year, we have survived and arrived at 2014.

I wrote a check today and dated it 1/4/13. Why is it so hard for us to wrap our heads around progress when our hearts are so eagar to accept it? I will find myself still dating things from the previous year clear into the month of March.

I saw a lot of blog posts, status updates, and media reminders that we must all make our resolutions.

Mine are really simple this year...

slow down, take it all in

play more, work less

be proud, proud of my children, my husband, my family and show them this pride and gratitude

and love myself and God to the fullest extent of my hearts capacity.

That's it, those four things. I figure if I do those four things perfectly that by the end of the year everything else will fall into place.

I wish you luck on your journey this year, may you find whatever it is that you are looking for.

Make It Count

Pure Joy

I was working on my photo wall collage today, so obviously I was going through pictures on my computer to print and hang in frames. My computer is full of photos from the crystal clear waters of St. Croix, USVI. As most of you know we just returned from living there 6 months ago. I lived there for one year and and thirty six days.

That's it.

I claim a year and half, it's easier. Some days it feels like we were there forever, and days like today it feels like I wasn't there long enough. As a whole I loved it there and really enjoyed my time there. Best part for me was that I could load up and be at the beach in 15 minutes, and let me tell you some of those beaches are the best places on earth. I ache for Isaac's Bay today, literally I could use the surf hitting my feet, the sun on my face and my children running down the beach. God, I miss that.

The Caribbean isn't all beaches and sun tans, that's for sure. However, we have the gift to only remember the good. I don't reminisce about the roaches, centipedes, ticks, exhausting heat...all I remember is the beauty and priceless moments.

In time I grew incredibly anxious to return home, I missed my mountains, my snow, and my horses. Don couldn't remember what it felt like to hold his gun, and he was hating his job more and more. Upon our arrival "home" so much happened so fast, that I simply didn't have time to feel much of anything. Our summer was filled with running here, moving there. Seeing old friends, making new.

As Fall approached (my favorite time of year) I was so excited and breathlessly happy to be home in the high dessert I've come to love. We busied ourselves with hunting and camping adventures, and I was surrounded by the beautiful blanket of Fall.

Now today as our adventures have timed out for awhile, Don is away working and I am left to tend the girls and our house. I find myself realizing that in the islands, even with all its un-charming amenities, held an idealistic perfection.

The pace was always one, the people were so unique and unabashed, the lifestyle was richer and everyday held a new adventure. Ah, life on a rock.

I am a horse trainer, it is my gift from GOD it is what I do. I love the Fall and Christmas must always have snow. However, if I win the lottery (which I really need to start buying tickets) I think I will divide my heart between the two permanently, then I will have found pure joy.

Forsake All That Does not Fully Embody the Realm of Fall

FATDNFERF

I have failed to blog the last few weeks due to an illness I have called, "forsake all that does not fully embody the realm of Fall" or FATDNFERF for short. I am pretty sure I mentioned that I love fall, if you missed that post you should go now, read it, it may make this a little more clear.

It is the afternoon before Halloween. One of my favorite times of year, not for the candy, costumes, and tricks. For the simple fact that it is the beginning of the end. I LOVE the fact that we end each year in a cascading celebration of all that has passed. We start it with Halloween a fun party where we race about in silly costume and parade about the night until dawn. Then we wait a few weeks and feast on the most glorious feast of all and fill our bellies and hearts to total contentment. Next we celebrate the gift of our Great God above, his gift of everlasting life, as he sent his son to be among man. The true wonder of it all is too great to fully understand, but the simple idea that a Great Man was born in a barn, and worshiped by so few, attended by nature herself should say enough. Then as if that is not all, we have on last amazing night where we drink and are merry with tears among our joy as we remember the year past in all its glory and demise, and we look to the horizon as to what the future may bring.

Tomorrow is where it begins. I think that my anticipation for such grand awe and wonder is what boosts my love for Fall. I know what is coming, and I look forward to it each year. All my holiday memories are not bright and wonderful, but the fact that they still shine in my mind as my fondest memories stands for much.

However, before we get on to that great celebration that awaits us, I want to share with you exactly what I love about Fall.

I just finished a book, that I highly recommend everyone reads, it is a true story that will inspire anyone to be a better person. For me it had a deeper resounding pull in that it has to do with mans infinite connection with animals. I have always had a strong connection with animals, and they have taught me more in my life than any school or book. This book shared a lot of insight to me, one of the quotes has struck me quite strongly; "But just as there are many rivers that lead to the same ocean, so are there many paths that lead to God."  Modoc, The True Story of the Greatest Elephant That Ever Lived.

In the fall I try to spend as much time as I possibly can outdoors. Nature enriches my life, and her wonder and beauty capture my heart. To see the sun rise over the mountains and fill the valley with warmth and color is awe inspiring. To watch the changes of the season spread through the trees, fields, and mountains is more than words can say.

We are hunters, an intimate connection to the earth and all that it provides for us fills my heart and soul. I am grateful for the opportunity to fill my families table with food, and I am grateful for the animals that provide it. The opportunity to see a wild animal react in its natural habitat is so mesmerizing, to watch in a blink of an eye their reaction to the world around them. Their instincts are raw and unaltered. They do what their ancestors have done for eons of years. To see the beauty of these creatures is surreal. I am grateful for their gift to me, that I can feel an even stronger connection to our Mother Earth. As I stalk, work hard for what I harvest I truly feel that I have earned the gift of such a magnificent animal.

Often we ride high into the mountains in the fall on horseback. That time spent on the back of a horse is treasured more than most things in my life. To be on an animal and feel their every response, their breath as it comes in and out. Horses are ever alert, and will put your needs before their own as long as a bond has been created. Any horse carries this in their heart, it is our responsibility to find it and bring that bond into our own heart. They rely upon us to have faith in them as much as we rely on them to have faith in us. This is not just a tool or mode of transportation it is a higher spiritual connection and a bond that few will ever know. If you have felt it, you understand.

In the Fall the Earth is in full swing, all things come alive preparing for what lies ahead. Every living thing feels the need to prepare for survival. Hunters and gathers storing for the long months ahead. Trees go dormant to survive the winter. Many mammals are in full swing in their breeding season, their need to complete the circle or life. Without the Fall we would never have the Spring, rebirth and a new fresh start. If nothing was prepared all would perish and then the cycle would end. It is a beautiful ending, to a new beginning.

As the snow begins to fall and blanket the earth, the animals will sleep and brave the harsh winters, just to begin anew. We too should look towards the beginning, enjoy the coming celebrations of the end of a wonderful year, and strive for perfection in the next.

And if in your travels an animal is beside you, you days will be lighter and your heart more full.

Not to be bragging, but...

Look closely, yes that's a horses tail!

Life is good.

Cute little slogan that has appeared somewhere in the last ten years on t-shirts, and hats, and everything else. I liked it a lot at first, then it got redundant and trite. Especially the time I was at line at a ranch and everything else store, and the lady in front of me was wearing a "Life is Good" t-shirt/hat ensemble. She was not living the creed and instead had the attitude of a bitch in heat. She yelled at me, the clerk, her kids, and then smacked her kid hard for crying over a dropped bottle, yes a bottle folks....she was under two. I got yelled at because I told her exactly what I thought of her supposed "Good Life".

At that point, I started to be annoyed with the "Life is Good" clothing line, and never bought any of it. However, recently I realized that my life, was really good, actually more like great. Nothing is perfect, we all know that. I am dreading the day that my husband packs a bag and heads out of town to work. I have days that my children literally drive me into my room for sanctuary, even though they are usually just sitting on the other side of the door, going "mom, mom, mom, mom..." you get my point.

On the other hand, my husband makes enough money to pay all our bills, plus the fact that I am currently paying off debt, and the bonus on top is that I do not HAVE to work. Do you know how good it feels that Monday through Sunday I am never filled with that dreadful feeling of "I have to go to work tomorrow, and I don't want to." Never crosses my mind, don't miss it, and honestly enjoy staying home with the kiddos. I get a little bored (see Idle in August), but I go looking for work, find several jobs I am sure I could be hired for, contemplate it for a minute, and then decide... nope don't wanna do it. It is great to be able to decide that!

Blissfully happy, if you've forgotten

I have come up with a couple of ideas to keep busy, and am always excited to  make a little money. I do feel a little guilty when I buy things specifically for me, and know that I didn't earn a dime of the money I just spent but that guilt disappears quickly as I relish the fact that I spent years earning money and have back charges on my account. When you work like a dog, you never have time for you, I am making up for lost time.

I have time with my family. It is a beautiful thing, I love them so much and can't get enough time as a family. We all really need to focus more on spending time with the ones we love. I have more time to devote to my friendships. I swear I have spent more time with my friends in the last four months, than I did in the last ten years. My house is clean, my animals loved. I get to stop and smell the roses, I can bake, clean, and create. My life is really good right now and I want everyone to know that I know it, and am so grateful for it.

Now don't be jealous...find your own greatness, and if you don't have it go out there and get it. Sometimes it may seem scary, it may not be exactly what you think it would be. Mine sure wasn't, but when you find it you will know and you will be blissfully happy.

Go now, find it.