Pure Joy

I was working on my photo wall collage today, so obviously I was going through pictures on my computer to print and hang in frames. My computer is full of photos from the crystal clear waters of St. Croix, USVI. As most of you know we just returned from living there 6 months ago. I lived there for one year and and thirty six days.

That's it.

I claim a year and half, it's easier. Some days it feels like we were there forever, and days like today it feels like I wasn't there long enough. As a whole I loved it there and really enjoyed my time there. Best part for me was that I could load up and be at the beach in 15 minutes, and let me tell you some of those beaches are the best places on earth. I ache for Isaac's Bay today, literally I could use the surf hitting my feet, the sun on my face and my children running down the beach. God, I miss that.

The Caribbean isn't all beaches and sun tans, that's for sure. However, we have the gift to only remember the good. I don't reminisce about the roaches, centipedes, ticks, exhausting heat...all I remember is the beauty and priceless moments.

In time I grew incredibly anxious to return home, I missed my mountains, my snow, and my horses. Don couldn't remember what it felt like to hold his gun, and he was hating his job more and more. Upon our arrival "home" so much happened so fast, that I simply didn't have time to feel much of anything. Our summer was filled with running here, moving there. Seeing old friends, making new.

As Fall approached (my favorite time of year) I was so excited and breathlessly happy to be home in the high dessert I've come to love. We busied ourselves with hunting and camping adventures, and I was surrounded by the beautiful blanket of Fall.

Now today as our adventures have timed out for awhile, Don is away working and I am left to tend the girls and our house. I find myself realizing that in the islands, even with all its un-charming amenities, held an idealistic perfection.

The pace was always one, the people were so unique and unabashed, the lifestyle was richer and everyday held a new adventure. Ah, life on a rock.

I am a horse trainer, it is my gift from GOD it is what I do. I love the Fall and Christmas must always have snow. However, if I win the lottery (which I really need to start buying tickets) I think I will divide my heart between the two permanently, then I will have found pure joy.

Forsake All That Does not Fully Embody the Realm of Fall

FATDNFERF

I have failed to blog the last few weeks due to an illness I have called, "forsake all that does not fully embody the realm of Fall" or FATDNFERF for short. I am pretty sure I mentioned that I love fall, if you missed that post you should go now, read it, it may make this a little more clear.

It is the afternoon before Halloween. One of my favorite times of year, not for the candy, costumes, and tricks. For the simple fact that it is the beginning of the end. I LOVE the fact that we end each year in a cascading celebration of all that has passed. We start it with Halloween a fun party where we race about in silly costume and parade about the night until dawn. Then we wait a few weeks and feast on the most glorious feast of all and fill our bellies and hearts to total contentment. Next we celebrate the gift of our Great God above, his gift of everlasting life, as he sent his son to be among man. The true wonder of it all is too great to fully understand, but the simple idea that a Great Man was born in a barn, and worshiped by so few, attended by nature herself should say enough. Then as if that is not all, we have on last amazing night where we drink and are merry with tears among our joy as we remember the year past in all its glory and demise, and we look to the horizon as to what the future may bring.

Tomorrow is where it begins. I think that my anticipation for such grand awe and wonder is what boosts my love for Fall. I know what is coming, and I look forward to it each year. All my holiday memories are not bright and wonderful, but the fact that they still shine in my mind as my fondest memories stands for much.

However, before we get on to that great celebration that awaits us, I want to share with you exactly what I love about Fall.

I just finished a book, that I highly recommend everyone reads, it is a true story that will inspire anyone to be a better person. For me it had a deeper resounding pull in that it has to do with mans infinite connection with animals. I have always had a strong connection with animals, and they have taught me more in my life than any school or book. This book shared a lot of insight to me, one of the quotes has struck me quite strongly; "But just as there are many rivers that lead to the same ocean, so are there many paths that lead to God."  Modoc, The True Story of the Greatest Elephant That Ever Lived.

In the fall I try to spend as much time as I possibly can outdoors. Nature enriches my life, and her wonder and beauty capture my heart. To see the sun rise over the mountains and fill the valley with warmth and color is awe inspiring. To watch the changes of the season spread through the trees, fields, and mountains is more than words can say.

We are hunters, an intimate connection to the earth and all that it provides for us fills my heart and soul. I am grateful for the opportunity to fill my families table with food, and I am grateful for the animals that provide it. The opportunity to see a wild animal react in its natural habitat is so mesmerizing, to watch in a blink of an eye their reaction to the world around them. Their instincts are raw and unaltered. They do what their ancestors have done for eons of years. To see the beauty of these creatures is surreal. I am grateful for their gift to me, that I can feel an even stronger connection to our Mother Earth. As I stalk, work hard for what I harvest I truly feel that I have earned the gift of such a magnificent animal.

Often we ride high into the mountains in the fall on horseback. That time spent on the back of a horse is treasured more than most things in my life. To be on an animal and feel their every response, their breath as it comes in and out. Horses are ever alert, and will put your needs before their own as long as a bond has been created. Any horse carries this in their heart, it is our responsibility to find it and bring that bond into our own heart. They rely upon us to have faith in them as much as we rely on them to have faith in us. This is not just a tool or mode of transportation it is a higher spiritual connection and a bond that few will ever know. If you have felt it, you understand.

In the Fall the Earth is in full swing, all things come alive preparing for what lies ahead. Every living thing feels the need to prepare for survival. Hunters and gathers storing for the long months ahead. Trees go dormant to survive the winter. Many mammals are in full swing in their breeding season, their need to complete the circle or life. Without the Fall we would never have the Spring, rebirth and a new fresh start. If nothing was prepared all would perish and then the cycle would end. It is a beautiful ending, to a new beginning.

As the snow begins to fall and blanket the earth, the animals will sleep and brave the harsh winters, just to begin anew. We too should look towards the beginning, enjoy the coming celebrations of the end of a wonderful year, and strive for perfection in the next.

And if in your travels an animal is beside you, you days will be lighter and your heart more full.

Not to be bragging, but...

Look closely, yes that's a horses tail!

Life is good.

Cute little slogan that has appeared somewhere in the last ten years on t-shirts, and hats, and everything else. I liked it a lot at first, then it got redundant and trite. Especially the time I was at line at a ranch and everything else store, and the lady in front of me was wearing a "Life is Good" t-shirt/hat ensemble. She was not living the creed and instead had the attitude of a bitch in heat. She yelled at me, the clerk, her kids, and then smacked her kid hard for crying over a dropped bottle, yes a bottle folks....she was under two. I got yelled at because I told her exactly what I thought of her supposed "Good Life".

At that point, I started to be annoyed with the "Life is Good" clothing line, and never bought any of it. However, recently I realized that my life, was really good, actually more like great. Nothing is perfect, we all know that. I am dreading the day that my husband packs a bag and heads out of town to work. I have days that my children literally drive me into my room for sanctuary, even though they are usually just sitting on the other side of the door, going "mom, mom, mom, mom..." you get my point.

On the other hand, my husband makes enough money to pay all our bills, plus the fact that I am currently paying off debt, and the bonus on top is that I do not HAVE to work. Do you know how good it feels that Monday through Sunday I am never filled with that dreadful feeling of "I have to go to work tomorrow, and I don't want to." Never crosses my mind, don't miss it, and honestly enjoy staying home with the kiddos. I get a little bored (see Idle in August), but I go looking for work, find several jobs I am sure I could be hired for, contemplate it for a minute, and then decide... nope don't wanna do it. It is great to be able to decide that!

Blissfully happy, if you've forgotten

I have come up with a couple of ideas to keep busy, and am always excited to  make a little money. I do feel a little guilty when I buy things specifically for me, and know that I didn't earn a dime of the money I just spent but that guilt disappears quickly as I relish the fact that I spent years earning money and have back charges on my account. When you work like a dog, you never have time for you, I am making up for lost time.

I have time with my family. It is a beautiful thing, I love them so much and can't get enough time as a family. We all really need to focus more on spending time with the ones we love. I have more time to devote to my friendships. I swear I have spent more time with my friends in the last four months, than I did in the last ten years. My house is clean, my animals loved. I get to stop and smell the roses, I can bake, clean, and create. My life is really good right now and I want everyone to know that I know it, and am so grateful for it.

Now don't be jealous...find your own greatness, and if you don't have it go out there and get it. Sometimes it may seem scary, it may not be exactly what you think it would be. Mine sure wasn't, but when you find it you will know and you will be blissfully happy.

Go now, find it.

Chai, Pumpkin, and all the rest that makes this the best.

Can you feel it?

I have always been a fall girl. Some of my oldest and most favorite memories are in the fall. I can still feel the leaves crunch beneath my feet on my Grandpa's street in Chicago as we trick or treated his neighbors a lifetime ago.

I love summer, being tan long days, ocean breeze. I love snow piled high, and the quiet of the darkness as you walk out to feed the horses, flakes falling silently all around. I love Christmas morning in all it's glory. Tulips are my favorite flower, and I love all the baby animals come spring. But Fall...it is home, my sanctuary, my blankie in life.

It was the one thing I missed the most in the Caribbean. It has it's own smell, its own feel, and its own distinctive resounding change in the atmosphere all around us. I think some of it is the forager and gather instinct in us. We know something is coming, not certain what but that we must prepare. I don't know about the rest of you, but there is something about Fall that slows me down. I realize the little things. Big changes, our children are all of sudden older, moving forward. All that I accomplish in the summer, is no longer important. The Fall is the part of nature that brings us in, slows us down, and makes us prepare for the year ahead.

I often think that September should have been the beginning of a year instead of January. So many things end and start in September, it would be easier.

Well as I sip my Chai, and snuggle in my blankie I can say simply I am grateful for Fall and hope that this season you all reach your goals, make memories, and find your dreams.

Good morning, Good Afternoon, & Goodnight

Recently it has been brought to my attention by several unconnected events that our world is small and we are not embracing this fact and using it to our advantage on so many levels. I am not a global marketer, or a big oil sheik. However even them have forgotten how small this place is, and that kindness goes a long ways.

I had the opportunity to take a small trip this week. I went 150 miles from my front door to the front door of a complete stranger. We had made a deal and were completing our transaction. Making small talk it came up that I had recently been in the Caribbean. Of course people are always excited when they hear that so she wanted to know more. I explained that we lived there briefly. We visited about it for a bit, she too had been many years before to St John on her honeymoon. She then mentioned that ironically her neighbor had recently moved to one of the Virgin Islands but hated it, only lasted a few months and came home. I said that sounded familiar a common occurance, and asked which island. She wasn't sure but thought St Croix. I asked their name, and of course it is a small island, I knew them.

This past weekend we went camping, we had no cell service. It was a beautiful thing. On our way home we hit service and both our phones started chirping, and tweeting away. On of my husbands texts was from a buddy he worked with in the islands. It said "Guess where I am." Don said reply "Walmart, he must be in the states somewhere." (Island joke) I replied and he comes back with "Close, Bozeman, MT." Just over the hill from us. We made promises to connect soon.

It got me thinking, I have thought a lot about the people I met in de islands, many of them I wonder if I will ever see again. Of course now I realize that anything is possible. In the islands the way we live life is completely different than how I live it here in Idaho. Things are similar, but more simple. One of the things I can't get over is here as I drive down the streets I hardly ever see anyone walking or riding their bike. Early mornings no one is waiting for a taxi. It's sad really. I miss seeing people, and more then that I miss the connection to the world around me. The beep, beep to say "hello" or "no you first." No one honks, no one waves, hell no one even smiles at you.

We live so disconnected from the world. We think we are connected with our iphones, and computers, we can watch eight news channels at once, every second we breathe we check Facebook, or Twitter, or other social media to "stay connected". But the truth is we have surrounded ourselves by technology and no longer people.

I go walking at night for exercise. The girls are in bed, it is nice and cool and I enjoy the dark. The other night I was out walking and a man was walking towards me on the sidewalk. As we approached out of habit more than anything I called out, "Goodnight". He stepped as far away from me as he possibly could, choked on his cigarette, and mumbled "uh..." cough, cough, "ya, nite." I kept walking and shook my head. We are failing this planet, in my opinion not by melting the polar ice caps or killing the ozone. We are killing humanity and failing to have a connection with all our brothers and sisters surrounding us.

In the islands you say Good morning, Good Afternoon, or Goodnight depending to everyone you meet. YES EVERYONE, and if you don't you get schooled. Perfectly good strangers will smile at you and say Goodnight. You acknowledge each others existence and in doing so validate each others importance here on this earth. How hard is that, how hard is it that every time you encounter a human being smile, say hello, say good morning. Perhaps there would be less hatred, less depression, less violence.

Now don't get me wrong. De Islands are filled with crime. It was one of the things we liked the least about living there, and was a major roll in us leaving. So it is not Utopia and everyone is not singing and dancing (although they do that a lot down there). But no place is perfect, I awoke to gunshots outside my bedroom window last Friday at 3am. This world is going down the drain as I see it, but while I am here I will validate you.

Good morning, and have a beautiful day!

Idle in August

I have been struggling lately with idle time on my hands.

For the first time in years I haven't had a job. Honestly I don't know exactly how long, but I was working for my dad in his office at twelve. A long time. But in the last thirteen years I have been working thirty to fifty hours a week. The days I wasn't working at one job, I was working at another.

I don't have a college degree. I started but never finished. It is not my cup of tea. I went to college with great aspirations to become a Marine Veterinarian. It lasted 3 semesters, and one College level Chemistry class and I realized I didn't want to work that hard. So what did I do, I entered the field of manual labor.

I have been a lifeguard, a swim instructor, a burrito maker, a department store clerk, a survey crew cheif, a rodman, draftsman, a stall cleaner, a horse trainer, an equine manager, a Secretary and accountant, a finish carpenter, a framer, a framing foreman, receptionist, farmer, and a Veterinarian Technician.

Quite the resume really. Most of that, actually all of it is not what I intended to do. However all of it suits me, and fits with my personality. I learned a lot, I did things I never thought I could and things I never want to do again. Some things I will tell my grandchildren about, some probably not.

So now what? Most of you are saying, you forgot the most important thing. You are a mother, that in itself is a full time job.  I haven't forgotten anything. Yes, I am a mother to two of the most amazingly unique, talented, and loving girls one could know (see there is the mother in me shining through). I am a firm believer that being a Mother is not a job, it's a lifestyle choice. It's like getting a tattoo (much more painful though), and dressing in bohemian fashion. I chose to be a mother, and will be a mother forever. It's not my job, it is way to enjoyable or painful depending on the day. If this was a job, I know for a fact there are days I would have quit already. So my search must continue.

I have been looking on the web at job postings for a few weeks now, in indecision. I am torn, I don't really want a job. I have to admit I am enjoying laying on the couch with my BFF's and watching Disney movies. I like that I can stay up until one, and sleep until eight. I don't have a kitchen full of dirty dishes, my bathrooms are cleaned more than quarterly. My laundry is done, and put away. But when all the chores are done, the counters clear and the kids are sleeping I feel like my day was unproductive and my self worth is equal to zero. Never been one to grade myself on cleanliness or amount of crafts completed. I have always enjoyed looking back and seeing a house built by my hand, or a dog alive because I was there at that moment and made it count.

I have been writing. That is something, but I often feel like it is an indulgence. You never know if anyone besides you will see any value in your story and help you breathe life into it. I hope so, but until then it is like sipping fine wine, and eating fancy chocolates. It makes me feel fantastic, so I will continue to indulge. 

I would like to teach again. I always enjoyed that. Even now when I can successfully teach my children something new with very little struggle, that is an accomplishment. I am passionate about many things, but the one thing I love to share the most is my love of  Equine companions. There is much to learn and be learned in the realm of the equine species, I never tire of it. It has always been my strongest passion, so I guess for now I will dust off the business cards, find some students, and go ride.

Blood, Water, & Wine

"Blood is thicker than water, but in my profession I have found blood will often run quicker than water when leaving a wounded heart."
                                          a moment at work, chaos surrounding my observation



This life is about learning to let go, growing into perfection, and building relationships. Not necessarily in that order. Family is the only relationship that is given to us, and it is often the one we learn the least about, work very little at building, and almost always have the hardest time letting go. 

Eleven and a half years ago I met a man that was not family. I thought him funny, peculiar,
honest, and often grumpy. He was nothing more to me than water. I saw him on occasion, a couple of times a week. He frequented one of my hangouts at the time. 

He would make small talk with me as I waited for a ride, and he complimented me often on my ability to "ignore the obvious", his words not mine. I figured it out eventually, but not by myself.

Blood mixed with water, it created a river that today is the root of my soul. 

This man was named Donald Monroe Thorp. He is my father in law, and one of the two unyielding forces that brought me and my husband together. My mother is the other one, but today this story is about Don or "Senior".

One day while waiting for a ride, he caught me by surprise and offered me a job. It was odd, because it was a job that sounded trivial, and honestly something he or his boy could handle. I was intrigued and accepted. He had hired me to halter break a filly, a yearling Quarter horse filly. Easy enough, I hopped in his truck and he drove me to his house where the filly was kept. This was not your ordinary filly, she was bred by the devil, conceived by a horse. As we leaned on her pen that was bent in seven different directions, fire breathed from her nose, and her eyes were rimmed with red. I couldn't back down now, I had something to prove. I was a cowgirl and nothin' scared me. 

There was more to the story. See Senior bought this mare with a filly by her side, he did it without the consent of his business partner, also know as his ranch hand/halter breaking/son. So in turn that partner refused to see the beauty of this package deal, and would not lay a hand on either of the horses. 

On day three or four of my frustration I was making progress but it was slow, and I had a bruise the shape of Alaska on my shin. The business partner came out to see how it was going. I remember he leaned on the pen, beer in hand and watched me sweat for twenty minutes or so. Then he said something along the lines of "she's a real bitch." Not wanting to let him win, I decided to win him over with this filly. 

It never worked...she really was a bitch, her mother even worse. I sold them both actually and did a dance when I did..that is a whole other story too. 

The point wasn't about these horses, the point was to bring Don (junior) and I together. It worked and it has lasted. 

Senior was a sneaky devil, he always had a twinkle in his eye, and a dry sense of humor you couldn't help but smile at. He had a heart as big as Texas, and the love he had for his children was eternal. He was honest, to a fault. He had a work ethic that could put the toughest men to shame. He was stubborn, and very insistent sometimes to a fault.  

I was disappointed that I only got to know this man for a little over a year and half. However as coincidence would have it I got to work side by side with him for that entire year and a half. Not to mention live within thirty feet of him. I will never forget the morning he came with coffee and the thrifty nickel to find me in the kitchen. The look on his face was priceless as he mumbled something about coming back later, and so much for weddings. 

So although I don't know him like I should I got an opportunity to see a part of his soul. He left to early ten years ago today. His son and two daughters miss him dearly. I wish my daughters could have met him, he would have loved them with all his heart. I figure he is watching over us, and sometimes I can see him with his hands in his pockets, toothpick in mouth, with just the hint of a smile thinking damn I did something right. 

 Blood is thicker than water, but we need that blood to run with water to slow it's pace in this great race of life. Stop, sit back and drink a glass of wine. Remember those who have raised you, and remember those who have raised the ones you love. Blood, water, & wine nothing richer, more life fulfilling, or sweeter.